Dreamweaver

I just booked myself a mini trip via Getaway House inside my next trip to Georgia. I don’t know why I feel compelled to share this today, but after a meditation I wanted to. I’m moving back to Georgia when my lease ends in a couple months. I’ll still be co-basing and am so excited to come back to California on occasion, but I just feel with all my heart that I’m ready to be in the place that supports me and my dreams and that I truly believe I can manifest all the magical things I dream of into existence. 

I remember tapping into my spiritual essence just a little bit around 23-25. I squashed it quite a bit when I dated someone who didn’t believe in these things (not to fault him for this, I am responsible for my own lack of self worth), but in the aftermath of a car accident I started going to therapy and remembered the journey. I picked it back up. I read a ton of books, bought some essential oils, googled a lot of spiritual words, struggled a lot with my then-agnosticism, I went through a break up, I traveled, I started to really care for my body in a different way, I dated, I felt immense pain, I tried to deflect, I had a period of time when my heart beat so fast almost constantly I thought I had heart problems. Turns out I was actually just struggling really hard with my own shadows. I felt the ping to move across the country. I felt a million emotions as I received a mixture of support, false happiness, envy, passive aggression, negative words, and questioning. I struggled really hard with this because I struggle with codependency and enmeshment. Like most women, I have always been a people-pleasing control freak so in the past when I‘ve felt misunderstood or like people don’t like what I’m doing, I’ve panicked. I’ve learned that a great deal of my anxiety and obsessive tendencies come straight from this dark part of me.

I had a reiki session a few weeks ago where I legitimately couldn’t get out of my head and had a decision in mind that I was so fearful of sharing because 1. what would my friends and family think 2. what would my clients think 3. why did I come here in the first place 4. am I really sure this is what I want and so on… my reiki healer let me know that there is no question on whether or not I move back- that’s clear- the problem is all the noise and the shadows I need to face.

I saw my therapist who confirmed this and walked me through a visualization of my worries by having me make something literally visual. What I made was myself holding a bunch of balloons. Inside each balloon held a worry. Mutually, my therapist and I decided it would be a good idea to see if there were any balloons I could cut free. So I literally did that for the things that I was ready to let go of. Things like what my ex-friends think, what people online think, self-pitying ideas. And almost Marie Kondo-like, I said goodbye to them and let them on their way.

I started Lacy Phillip’s manifestation process and within just a few days my world has been rocked. Even though some of these things I’ve heard before, I actually understand it now. Today I listened to a guided mediation on clarity because I know several of my weak spots but was having a hard time focusing on what I even want. I was holding this low self worth image of myself, so worried about judgment, not making sense, not being liked. But woah. The clarity mediation took me to my future and what I saw was peace, grace, a loving partner and family, a thriving place in community, a home that was simple and quiet, and honestly a way simpler life than I would have ever consciously imagined myself having.

In this year in Oakland I have been really alone. Alone in a way that has been at times painful and at times liberating. I’ve grown so much here in this space. I needed to move here to get away from all the outside pressure and really learn who I am and what I want. When I first decided to move I couldn’t decide to where and I really think now that’s because it didn’t matter where I went, I just needed to go.

Now I am ironically seeking out even more aloneness and quiet by booking a solo trip into a cabin-like tiny house in the North Georgia wilderness. I am craving more travel, and I am craving a life that is that delicious balance of community, support, care, unconditional love, spirituality, and calm. I’m on my way.

PS- If you feel even the slightest pull in your heart towards spiritual healing, please know that you already are everything you need and that you are deeply held.